Breakdown
by leelee0474
Summary: Michael is alone in the loft after all that happened in the premiere.
1. Chapter 1

A/N My first fanfic of the new season! Enjoy! You gotta figure Mike's day was long...and he never had a chance to sit down and think about everything...

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I am alone in the loft. Sam left to get dinner for me and him.

I sit on the bed. Our bed. I have shared this bed with you for so long now that I can't remember ever sleeping alone. I grab your pillow and hold it up to my face. It smells like you.

This loft is so cold an empty without you here. Everywhere I look I see you. I see the magazine you were reading, the teacup from breakfast earlier this morning. I miss the sound of that damn kettle waking me up daily.

I look at the shelf I made for your snow globes. Picking one up, I shake it and watch the snow fall on two tiny skaters. The snowy scene reminds me of a weekend we were stranded at an abandoned house in Ireland. Safely hidden in the house, we watched the snow falling for hours and you were wrapped up in my arms. I still remember how your hair smelled, the soft sounds you made as I caressed your hands and arms. I can't remember what we talked about, but I remember your soft giggles. There was no one else in the world then-just you and I. I want to go back to that day.

I feel tears stinging my eyes. I try to blink them away but they begin to fall down my face. I let the snow globe fall to the floor. Before I know it, I take snow globe after snow globe and throw them to the floor, watching them shatter. Water and fake snow cover the floor. I stop at the last one, realizing how much pain my actions will have brought you. Those snow globes are your prized possessions and I have destroyed them. All I have done is cause you pain. I should have listened. Why didn't I listen?

I see my gun on the counter and I grab it. I pull your letter out of my pocket and lean against the kitchen sink. At some point, I don't know when, I slide down to the floor. Gun in one hand, letter in the other I am losing control. Tears fall freely now and my vision is blurred. I can't hear anything except the sound of blood rushing in my ears and it is deafening.

Before I know what's happening, someone kneels down in front of me. They try to take the gun from me, but I hold it tighter. Once I realize its Sam trying to take the gun from me, I let him have it and I close my eyes, covering my face with my hands. He is trying to talk to me, comfort me but I can't let him. Guilt consumes me. Guilt because I led you and Sam to make a decision that I refused to accept as an answer, guilt that Anson almost had my mom killed and guilt that Sam nearly died by my hand and by Anson's hand all in the same day. I manage to crawl into a corner of the kitchen, hoping Sam leaves me alone. He doesn't. Instead he sits next to me and puts his arms around me. I try to fight, to break free, but Sam continues to hold me until I stop fighting him. All I can hear now is myself saying that I am so tired. In response, I hear him say "I got you brother, its OK" I don't know how long we stayed on the floor and eventually I fall into a deep dreamless sleep.

In the morning I wake up where Sam left me, but covered with a blanket. I smell coffee and eggs. Getting up, I look around the loft and see that the broken snow globes have been cleaned up. Sam emerges from the bathroom and smiles at me. "I told Maddie we'll be over before we see Pearce. Eat, shower quick and we'll go." I nod my head. I thank Sam. He smiles at me and starts to do the dishes. I hear him say softly "Anytime brother, anytime."


	2. Chapter 2

I am sitting at the bar in Carlito's. Against my better judgement I left you alone while I got dinner for us. We hadn't eaten all day and you were fading fast. I didn't ask you what you wanted because I know you would have said you were OK with a yogurt. Instead I am getting you a grilled chicken breast with veggies because you need all the energy you can get right now. While I wait, several waitresses come over and ask if Fi really turned herself in to the authorities. I tell them the truth. They are walk away with the same sad faces. My favorite waitresses Kaitlin comes over and gives me a hug. Sweet girl. She kisses me on the cheek and says "Tell Michael we all are worried about him and if he needs anything to call. We'll get him anything he needs on the house." I smile and thank her. Carlito brings our order out and tells me that the waitresses all chipped in and bought dinner. I am afraid to talk, afraid my brave front might crumble and I would be reduced to a quivering mess. Instead I smile and nod, feeling all the workers watch me as I walk out the door.

I walk into the loft and set the food down on the workbench. I don't see you, but I do notice Fiona's snow globes, except for one, are all broken. As I look for you, I hear a strangled sob from the kitchen. I round the table and see you sitting on the floor with your back to the sink, Fi's note in one hand and in the other, your gun pressed to your head. This isn't good. I thought if I left you alone, the worst you'd do is just be sitting on the bed, stone faced and solemn. When I came back, I never thought I'd see you like this. I kneel down in front of you and keep telling you to give me the gun. I'm getting no reaction. After a few more times of talking calmly to you, I yell at the top of my lungs. All I get is a response, a sound that I can't even describe, but it breaks my heart and shakes me to the core. Again, I try to get the gun but now you are holding tighter. I thought about wrestling it from you, but then I really did not want to get shot today. So I grab the barrel and pull it away from your head. I manage to get you to rest the handle against your head, so if you shoot, you shoot at the ceiling. I tell you to look at me, telling you over and over that you are ok and that we will get through this, but I need you to give me the gun before I can help you. I am truly terrified because I can't get a response, I can't get you to give me the gun and you are looking at something and nothing at the same time. I grab your face with both my hands and use my thumbs to clear your eyes, hoping something will register if you see me, even if its just for a split second. That's all I need to help you, just that one second, but I can't help until you realize I am here. Finally, you see me. You sob out Fi's name and drop her note. I grab your gun, sliding it across the floor. I am sick of that damn gun today.

I reach out to give you comfort, but you push me back. I fall, crashing into the table behind me. You scurry across the floor and pull your knees to your chest, crying even more than before. You are in a corner, so I get up and get next to you. I snake one arm behind you, the other i wrap around your front. You are shaking and thrashing. The more you shake and thrash, the tighter I hold. If I let go, odds are you are going for that gun and I might not be able to stop you shooting me or yourself this time. I tell you over and over to stop fighting and that I am not letting go. God only knows if you hear me. You give one good final thrash and you stop. You are crying harder than I've ever seen anyone, man or woman, ever cry before. I hold you tight, keeping your head near mine. I keep whispering in your ear that I have you and it's ok brother. All you say over and over, like its a mantra, is "I'm so tired." Eventually, the tears stop and I notice your breathing slows. You are asleep. Thank God.

Once you know you are completely out, I manage to lay you down without waking you up. I get a blanket, a spare one that doesn't smell like Fiona, and cover you with it. I grab a broom and clean up the broken snow globes. Tears come to my eyes. I should have been here when you broke, I should have made you go to Maddie's for the night. Two people I love, you and Fi, are shattered, like the snow globes on the ground. I call your mom and tell her you are in bad shape tonight and we'll come by to check tomorrow on her. She understands and begs me to call her if you need her. I finish cleaning and crash on your bed.

In the morning I wake up and you are still asleep. I make eggs and toast and make you eat. If I didn't, then you wouldn't eat and the day would get worse from there. While I wash dishes, you thank me. Just a simple thanks between men. No need to acknowledge weakness. I just tell you "Anytime brother, anytime." It's true. You are my brother and I'd go to hell and back for you.


End file.
